A man rushed in to a psychiatrist's consulting room saying he thought he had a 'split personality'.
'All right' said the psychiatrist, 'That'll be ten pounds each'.
A man took his dog to the vet with the request could he chop off the dog's tail? 'That's a nasty thing to do' replied the vet demanding explanation for this brutality. 'I had a letter today about the mother-in-law coming for a visit and we don't want any sign of welcome', was the reply.
A patient told her psychiatrist that she could not resist picking things up in shops and putting them in her pocket. 'Don't worry' said the psychiatrist, 'I've sorted out your problem straight away, you're a thief.
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I am a Goat!
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a kid”.
Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film.
Doctor: Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.
Doctor: Nurse, did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No, Doctor. Is it missing?
Man: Doctor! Is there any way for long life?
Doctor: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
An old lady complained to her family doctor that for years she had had bad constipation
"Why don't you do something ," said the doctor.
"Oh , I do, doctor," said the old lady, "I sit on the toilet for hours." "I mean , why don't you take something,” said the doctor.
"O, I do, doctor! I take my knitting."
Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and worthless.
Doctor: You should cut down on your drinks.
Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life.
Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke either doctor.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Good heavens!! Haven't touched a woman in my entire life.
Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems!! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke.
An old man was very sick. So sick, in fact, that his family was gathered at the bedside. As families will do, they all were trying to cheer him up.
"Your colour is better," said one son.
"You are breathing easier," remarked another.
The old man, said unperturbed, "Thank goodness! it's nice to know that I'm going to die cured.
A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
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