A distraught man ran into the doctor's office. "Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!" "When did this happen?" asked the doctor. The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"
Neurology: Your brain is a masterpiece, divided into two parts, left and right. In the left nothing is right and in the right nothing is left.
Psychiatric Hotline: RING RING CLICK Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline". If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
An irritated doctor on receiving an exorbitant bill from his car garage mechanic had the following conversation with his car mechanic: "You charges are several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah doc, but you see, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
Theory of Weight: The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient and the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.
Corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.
Corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.
Do you understand your doctor's language?
Doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms."
Doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you."
Doctor says: "Are you certain you haven't had this before?"
Doctor means: "Because now you've got it again."
Doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
Doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."
Doctor says: "This prescription has a few side effects."
Doctor means: "You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms."
Doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
Doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest."
How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital? The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill.
Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and worthless.
Doctor: You should cut down on your drinks.
Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life.
Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke either doctor.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Good heavens!! Haven't touched a woman in my entire life.
Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems!! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...
Dentist to Patient: (begging) “Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game.
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